


whispers in the dark

by weatherworn



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Idiots in Love, M/M, Pining, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 09:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11825994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatherworn/pseuds/weatherworn
Summary: The corner of Taeyong's mouth quirks up as he picks up the notebook with care. He does that with all his possessions. Sometimes Doyoung wonders what it would be like to have Taeyong apply that kind of attention to him. He quickly banishes the thought. Thinking about Taeyong that way is dangerous, for so many reasons.for the prompt: Doyoung finds the notebook Taeyong lost a year ago, which happens to have dozens of love songs about him.





	whispers in the dark

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [NCTprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/NCTprompts) collection. 



The spiral notebook looks almost new if not for the splotches of smudge marks on the side, probably from a leaking pen. On the lower left hand corner of the plastic front cover, there is a sticker of one of the Kakaofriend characters, the one that has a peach for a head. What Doyoung has in his hand is one of Taeyong's notebooks that he had misplaced about a year ago. Doyoung found it in his room for some reason, underneath all his own crap. He had been looking for something of his own in his closet when he came across the notebook, nestled on top of one of Doyoung's shirts at the bottom of the closet. Taeyong should be happy to get it back.

He finds Taeyong in the living room, scribbling into a new notebook that he finally decided to get after resignedly calling off the search. "Thanks for looking, you guys. I'll just have to try to remember what I wrote," Taeyong had said, shrugging despondently.

"Guess what I have?" Doyoung says, hiding the notebook behind his back. With Taeyong, he likes playing with him a little, trying to put a smile on his face. It's kind of addictive, watching it light up because of Doyoung. 

"What?" Taeyong says distractedly, not even bothering to look up from his scribbling. Doyoung debates whether to continue his guessing game and decides not to pursue it. Taeyong seems like he's working on something important. Better not to disturb him when he's on a roll.

"Here, I found your notebook!" Doyoung says cheerfully, sliding the notebook across the couch and retracting his arm quickly. Taeyong turns his head and his eyes widen when his gaze falls on the notebook. He then looks up at Doyoung. 

"Where'd you find it?" He asks. 

"In my room," Doyoung replies. "That's probably why you couldn't find it. That's like the last place we would've look." He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "But I guess if I had cleaned my room, we would've found it sooner."

The corner of Taeyong's mouth quirks up as he picks up the notebook with care. He does that with all his possessions. Sometimes Doyoung wonders what it would be like to have Taeyong apply that kind of attention to him. He quickly banishes the thought. Thinking about Taeyong that way is dangerous, for so many reasons.

"Well, okay, I'm going to..." Doyoung says, making vague gestures towards his room and backing away from the couch.

"Thank you," Taeyong says, his voice soft but filled with gratitude. He looks back up at Doyoung, his gaze staying this time, and Doyoung has the passing thought that Taeyong looks he's searching for something, maybe an answer to a question Doyoung didn't realized had been asked.

"You're welcome," Doyoung says with a wide smile, showing teeth.

\---

The next few weeks pass in a flurry of activities, as it always does. Doyoung sometimes feels the strange conflicting sensation of his life passing him by, at the speed with which it seems to be going, and despite him being lucky enough to live his dreams, at the same time, he realizes a lot of it is tedious, not as glamorous as he had first anticipated. The endless waiting at airports, waiting before interviews begin when the staff is setting up all the equipment and ushering in translators (then getting asked the same questions over and over again), waiting at music shows, award shows, festivals, all the waiting for a three to five minute performance. He has the other members to keep him occupied, but sometimes he doesn't feel like talking either. The other members understand and won't disturb him. They've learned to respect each other's moments of self-enforced solitude, because they understand how precious and rare it is.

Doyoung has always tried to be cognizant of how other people are feeling, and acting accordingly, and the person who seems the easiest to read is Taeyong. All his emotions, but especially anxiety or anguish or happiness or delight, are displayed prominently on his face. He wasn't always like that, the members who have been around longer have said. It took a while for Taeyong to open up, but it had been the same way for Doyoung. Being an idol trainee meant learning how to keep your emotions in check, especially hope and disappointment. It was only when Doyoung knew for sure that he was going to debut that he finally felt he could let his guard down and let the people whom he had come to regard as his friends and brothers into his heart, knowing for sure that they weren't going to leave, or that he himself didn't have to leave.

And even after debut, Taeyong had been like two people, the carefree, more relaxed person when the camera wasn't filming and the more serious, quiet, wary one in front of it. He moved and talked as if he didn't deserve the limelight, especially after his 'scandal' came out and caused a stir. But Doyoung could see him relax as more time passes, when it became more apparent that his past will not be a deterrent to their success. 

Among his hyungs, Doyoung is the most protective of Taeyong. Everyone else seems like they're pretty self-sufficient, Johnny having weathered the most and coming out still optimistic and kind, Taeil and his sensible steadiness mixed with playfulness, and Yuta, the one who had to give up the most, but acts like he gained equally as much back for being here among them.

But Taeyong is different. He is the one most affected emotionally by the success and possible failure of the group, the one most prone to melancholy. He is the leader after all, the burden on his thin shoulders unfathomable. This was what made Doyoung reach over during the Mama award show and grip Taeyong's hand, and offering a piece of himself over to Taeyong. Because he was already in love with Taeyong at that point.

And Taeyong had gripped back and then when their name had been announced, had stood up and pulled Doyoung into his arms. "Thank you for always being there for me," Taeyong had whispered into Doyoung's ear. Doyoung had dared to keep Taeyong close for a little longer, until he had to release him back to the world.

\---

The farcical face of the kakao peach is starting to look like it's mocking him, Doyoung thinks. The notebook lays on top of the coffee table all the time, which is weird considering that Taeyong never leaves his notebooks lying around. It contains all the drafts of his work and when he deems it good enough to submit to the managers, he would type it up on his computer. Something about writing with pen and paper gives him more inspiration, Taeyong had explained once, plus the computer offers too much possibility for distraction, with the internet and gaming. And he can also easily carry a notebook around wherever he goes and whenever inspiration strikes him, he would be ready to write it down.

The next time he has a moment alone with Taeyong, Doyoung asks, "You don't use that notebook anymore?"

Taeyong straightens up from his stretches and squints at him. "Which one?" 

"The one that I found," Doyoung says. "Now it's just sitting in the living room. You don't use it anymore?"

"I still use it," Taeyong says. "Since I have two notebooks now, I just use that one when we're at home." He pauses and glances at Doyoung. "You haven't been looking into it, have you?"

Doyoung sputters, "Of course I haven't! What kind of person do you think I am?" He's aware that he lets things get to him too easily, and he's been getting better about it, but Taeyong remains his weak spot. 

"Okay, okay," Taeyong says, laughing. He nudges Doyoung towards the stack of water bottles in the corner of the practice room. "Let's take a break. I'm thirsty."

They've situated themselves on the floor, Doyoung sprawled out in a starfish position. If he sits on the hardwood floor too long, his tailbone starts hurting. He turns his head to look at Taeyong, who's reading something off the plastic water bottle. He doesn't think Taeyong actually realizes how good looking he is. He gets external validation left and right about it, but he doesn't seem proud of the fact, ducking his head shyly to dismiss the praises. He didn't _earn_ that distinction, so it doesn't matter to him.

Maybe it's the same way with how everyone says how smart Doyoung is. He doesn't think so himself, he just remembers things quickly and is competitive as fuck and those two qualities have served him well on the NCT Life broadcasts, but they have given people the wrong impression. It doesn't help that his fellow members hype up this fact about him. It feels undeserving, especially in light of all the people who are _actually_ smart.

Taeyong turns to look at Doyoung, who only then realizes that he's been staring. He quickly looks away, feeling embarrassed. 

"We're going to Osaka next week," Taeyong says. "I think it'll be a nice break."

"Yeah," Doyoung says. "And Yuta gets to go back for a little while."

Taeyong nods, a small smile playing on his lips. Maybe that was what drew Doyoung to him, the concern Taeyong has for others, apparent even before he became leader. How much he gives of himself to everybody around him. But Doyoung also sees what it costs him. 

"Hyung," he says, turning around onto his stomach to rest his cheek on the floor, which he knows is probably filthy, but the smooth, cool surface feels good against his skin.

"Hmm?" Taeyong murmurs.

There's too much to say. _I'm here for you. You're not alone. Let me carry some of your burden. I don't know how I feel about you. I hate you for making me feel this way. And I hate you because you'll never feel the same way about me._

"Never mind," Doyoung says.

\---

The notebook is gone the next time Doyoung passes by the coffee table.

\---

The wake up call for the flight to Japan is torturous, as alway. The sun is barely up when Doyoung joins the other members outside their dormitory building, waiting for the manager to bring the van around. Taeyong is taking pictures of the buildings against the backdrop of the sky, orange peeking beyond the horizon of purple. Yuta is looking over Sicheng's shoulder while Sicheng is scrolling through his phone, and Taeil is walking around in tiny circles, entertaining himself.

Doyoung yawns widely, not even trying to hold back, and of course that's when Taeyong decides to lower his point-and-shoot camera and turn to look at him. Doyoung freezes, mouth still wide open. Taeyong bursts out laughing.

"Hey," Doyoung protests, not feeling as embarrassed as he should be. Taeyong has seen him in more compromising positions. This is small beans. Plus he's made Taeyong laugh.

"I should've taken a picture," Taeyong says, still laughing. Doyoung pouts at him and playfully hits him to get him to stop to no avail. Taeyong only stops when the van pulls up shortly thereafter.

On the flight, everyone agrees that the first thing they want to do when they get to Japan is jump into the onsen. 

"What, you guys don't wanna see my hometown first, the place where I grew up?" Yuta says, mock offended. "The place that shaped me as a person?"

"Nah, we want onsen," Sicheng says, but he's grinning up at Yuta.

Doyoung grins and slips headphones over his ears, leaning back against his seat to try to get some rest before the madness begins again. He likes to think that there are two personas of himself, and he likes to call them his "on" and "off" mode. Turning "on" means being cheerful, full of energy, charming, quick-witted, funny, and it's exhausting, but exhilarating. He needs to be "on" during the NCT life broadcasts, so he better savor the opportunity to be "off" while he can.

\---

The house where they are staying is so charming and traditionally Japanese, everyone walks through the rooms in awe after getting back from the first day of filming. They slide the doors open with reverence and care, fearing that they'll break something if they're too rough.

Taeyong also finds a dog.

Doyoung finds him outside crouched on the street under the night sky, cooing and petting a neighborhood dog, his owner hovering nearby. The look on Taeyong's face is pure bliss and affection. Doyoung feels a longing so acute, he is left breathless.

Taeyong looks up and spots him, training that face on _him_. "Come here, Doyoung," Taeyong says excitedly, waving him over. "Isn't he cute?" 

Doyoung wanders over cautiously. He's always been a little nervous around animals of any kind, it doesn't matter how cute. He thinks they make him nervous because he can't predict what they're going to do next. Chiangmai was...an adventure. "You made a new friend," he comments neutrally, switching to his crappy Japanese to greet the owner. 

Taeyong is too busy getting his face licked and loved on by the dog to answer. Doyoung grins sheepishly at the owner, who shakes his head and smiles warmly back at him.

Eventually, one of the staff members comes out to usher them back into the house for bed time.

"Is there going to be an NCT Life broadcast where we do nothing but play with puppies all day?" Taeyong asks, hooking his hand around Doyoung's arm to walk back into the house together. "Sign me up for that one."

The staff and Yuta are going to continue keeping the activities for the next few days a surprise to maintain the element of spontaneity, which Doyoung does not appreciate at all. He likes knowing what he's getting into, but he also has faith in Yuta that he would make the broadcast interesting. The NCT Life broadcasts were always fun to some degree, but Doyoung understands it's ultimately still work. They have to gain something from it that's of value to NCT and the company.

Doyoung and the others start getting ready for bed, needing to turn in early for the equally early start tomorrow morning. Sticking with the sleeping arrangements at the dorms, Doyoung is still sharing a room with Yuta and Sicheng. Sicheng is in the shower and Yuta seems nervous, uncharacteristically quiet and chewing on his lower lip, staring off into space, sinking into his thoughts without Sicheng around to play with. Doyoung plops down beside him and holds his hand. Physical touch has always come easy to Doyoung and the most sure-fire way to make any of the members feel better. He probably has his family to thank for it, having never withheld their affection for him, including his brother.

Yuta grins softly at him. "Today was...wild. You had a good time, didn't you?" He asks, looking at Doyoung uncertainly.

"I had a good time, although it would've been nice to have caught a fish," Doyoung assures him. "And besides, even _if_ we don't, what matters is that you're back home. You make sure _you_ have a good time."

Yuta throws his arms around him and sighs, as if a heavy burden has just been lifted. "Thanks," he says. "It does feel good to be back." Doyoung pats his arm companionably. 

He is startled when the door to their room slides open and Taeyong pops his head in with a big grin. Doyoung watches as it falters a bit as Taeyong takes in the scene.

"Yuta, you okay?" Taeyong asks, his brows now furrowed in concern. 

Yuta releases Doyoung and pulls back. "Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?"

"Nothing," Taeyong says. "Just wanted to say good night. Go to sleep soon, you guys. We have another full day ahead of us tomorrow. It seems like Yuta is intent on showing us absolutely everything in Japan until we drop dead from exhaustion."

"Yeah, that's right," Yuta agrees with a laugh. "So you better get your beauty sleep, princess."

Taeyong grins back and after making an exaggerated frowny face at Doyoung that vaguely reminds him of an emoji, slides the door close.

Doyoung turns his attention back to Yuta and spots Yuta looking at him with an inscrutable expression on his face, like he's being studied. Yuta grins.

"I know you don't like surprises, so here's a spoiler for tomorrow," Yuta says. He pauses for maximum impact. Doyoung kind of wants to wring his neck every time he does that. "We're going on a ferris wheel and I'm pairing you with Taeyong hyung." Yuta then starts chortling like he's just revealed the master plan of a villain, which Doyoung is beginning to think he actually is.

"I take back what I said about your tour," Doyoung says, outraged. "It's horrible and nobody's having a good time. You know I'm scared of heights."

Yuta continues smirking. "Are you scared of heights or are you scared of being alone with Taeyong while you're freaking out about being scared of heights?"

"Okay, first of all, I have no idea what you're talking about," Doyoung says. "And second, I'm going to sleep. You're a horrible person." Doyoung flounces into his bedroll while Yuta chuckles quietly in the background.

Sicheng returns shortly thereafter and the three of them quickly settle in to sleep, murmuring good night to each other in the dark.

\---

Doyoung can tell Taeyong is definitely starting to flag by the time the ferris wheel segment rolls around at nine at night. He is torn between wanting to wrap Taeyong in a blanket and wanting to rouse him into being more energetic for the broadcast. Sometimes he can get Taeyong going again by prodding at him until Taeyong gets annoyed, gaining renewed energy fueled by irritability.

Doyoung tries his best to act like he's surprised when Yuta announces the pairings for the ferris wheel. He thinks his brother would be proud if he saw. He even throws in a "I thought it was going to be Win Win and Taeyong" and puts his arms around Taeyong, who tries to shrug him off half-heartedly. It's a dance that they're used to.

He does actually get a little scared when the ferris wheel starts getting to the top, and tries to swerve it in his favor by playing it up for the camera. Then Taeyong has to go ahead and be an asshole by rocking the car, throwing Doyoung's carefully controlled emotions all out of sorts again. Doyoung would leap across and wring his neck if the cameras haven't been filming. In an attempt that Doyoung thinks is to distract himself, Taeyong takes out his phone and starts taking pictures with it, always having been attracted to the beauty around him and wanting to keep visual reminders of it. Whenever Taeyong points the camera at him, Doyoung likes to believe for a moment that he's just as beautiful as everything else Taeyong takes pictures of.

Doyoung decides to follow in his footsteps and takes out his phone, trying to get Taeyong and himself in the same frame. In the first shot, Taeyong has his back turned towards him and Doyoung thinks that's a pretty good analogy of how their relationship is like.

\---

After filming is over, they finally get the onsen their hearts desired. The staff drives them to a local 24 hour natural hot spring, recommended by Yuta himself, and they pay for it too, although they instruct them to say that Yuta paid for it after losing a game of rock-paper-scissors during filming tomorrow.

"It's more spontaneous and consistent with the game theme we've been going with," the PD-nim explains. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Freshly showered and stripped down to their bathing shorts, the five of them slip gingerly into the bubbling water.

"So hot, so hot, so hot," Taeyong is chanting as he immerses himself waist-deep, while Taeil has already sunken to his chin. Yuta is leaning against the rocky edges of the spring, already relaxing in the water while Sicheng is focused on touching the bubbles before they burst. Some of the other male staff members have also decided to take the opportunity to enjoy some onsen, dispersed at the far end of the spring. 

By the time Doyoung looks back, Taeyong has finally managed to get used to the heated water enough that only his head is above water and Doyoung can see how he relaxes in increments. He and Taeil laugh quietly over something Taeil said. It's good to see the members so relaxed, but especially Taeyong. He sees Taeyong turn to look around for someone and when his gaze falls on Doyoung, an expression that Doyoung can't decipher moves across his face. Taeyong murmurs something to Taeil without breaking eye contact with Doyoung and starts moving closer to him. Behind him, Doyoung can see Taeil drifting closer to Sicheng to join him in playing with the bubbles in the water.

"Hey," Taeyong says quietly when he's reached Doyoung. He leans back against the rock edge and closes his eyes in visible bliss. "This is even better than jimjilbang."

"Watch it, you're going to become Japanese by the time you leave," Doyoung says, only half kidding. He's feeling ornery for some reason. "Our jimjilbangs are not half bad." Maybe he feels that Taeyong saying onsens are better is a rejection of their culture, and by extension, of Doyoung. It seems so irrational when parsed out like this. Doyoung hates that he's constantly at the whim of his own irrational worries and anxieties. 

Possibly sensing this, Taeyong opens one eye to peer up at him. "You're right," he says simply.

With these two simple words, Doyoung deflates, all the fight flying out of him. They're at a freaking onsen for goodness sakes and he's being combative. He sinks to his chin in the water. He's honestly constantly surprised by how much Taeyong lets him get away with being disrespectful. He tries to let the warm, bubbling water and Taeyong's serene presence next to him calm him and after a while it works.

\---

Yuta slides into the bedroll next to Doyoung's later that night after onsen, another day of filming completed and one less burden on his shoulder. Doyoung can see that he's pretty pleased with how the day turned out and he's happy for Yuta that everything is working out. Plus, he has to admit that it's been a lot of fun and feels less like work compared to the rest of the other broadcasts he's been on. He feels more relaxed, exploring a new place that _doesn't_ contain carnivorous animals. He still hasn't quite gotten over the zoo from the last broadcast.

Doyoung rolls over onto his side and curls into himself, trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Despite all the running around they did earlier today and how late onsen had kept them up, Doyoung can't fall asleep for some reason. His body feels tired and even his eyelids feel heavy, but his brain is whirring, keeping him awake. Not wanting to disturb anyone with the constant rolling around, he pushes his blanket back and slips out of his bedroll. The sliding door to their room is already slightly ajar, haphazardly left open by Yuta, and Doyoung is able to turn his body sideways and slip through it without making a sound. He plods down the hallway and heads for the bathroom, not really needing to pee but it's the only room where he can go and turn on the light without waking up the whole house. He's not sure what he'll do when he gets there, but it's the only thing he can think TO do at the moment.

When he turns the corner, he stops. The door is slightly open and light spills out of it in a thin sliver into the dark hallway. Doyoung can hear the shuffling noise of someone moving in there. He's about to turn around and leave, thinking it's Taeil, when he hears Taeyong cursing under his breath, sounding like he's in pain. Against his better judgment, Doyoung pushes the door open.

Taeyong springs to his feet from where he's sitting on top of the toilet seat cover, as if he's been caught doing something, but his left leg, which is plastered with a beige colored pain relieving patch at the knee, seems to crumple under him, unable to bear his weight. Doyoung rushes forward to steady Taeyong, gripping his elbow and wrapping his arm around Taeyong's waist.

"Hyung, you okay?" Doyoung exclaims, unable to keep the panic from his voice.

"Shhh," Taeyong hisses. "You're going to wake everyone up." He sighs tiredly. "The pain in my knee is acting up again. I thought the onsen was going to help." He then notices that Doyoung is still clutching him and raises an eyebrow at him. Doyoung unhands him immediately, feeling his face heat up. He then notices the notebook with the peach sticker perched on top of the sink counter, open to a page full of scribbles. He only notices that it's the same notebook because of the ink smudges on the side of the pages. Taeyong shifts to block his view of the book.

"Sorry," Doyoung says. Respecting someone's privacy is one principle that he is always conscious to uphold in this racuous band of nine, where privacy is often in short supply. 

"Did you need to use the bathroom?" Taeyong asks, in the process of limping out of the room, notebook clutched in his hand.

"No," Doyoung says, stopping Taeyong by pulling him back and forcibly setting him back down on the toilet seat cover. Taeyong lets himself be manhandled and isn't this just absurd, the two of them in the bathroom in the middle of the night, neither of them really needing to use the toilet. "How bad is the pain? From one to ten?"

Taeyong thinks about it. "About a five," he admits. "I took an aspirin but it's taking time to kick in."

Doyoung sighs, irritated. Taeyong has no one but himself to blame for pushing his body beyond its limits. "You have to stop being so hard on your body," he chides. "You don't want your career to be cut short because you're too stupid to not know when to stop."

"Okay, okay, okay," Taeyong says sullenly. "God, we had a good two days without you nagging."

"Well, if you weren't so stupid, maybe I'll stop nagging," Doyoung snaps back, on a roll in his momentum. They glare at each other silently, Taeyong looking mutinous.

"I don't know why I even-" Taeyong says suddenly, but stops just as abruptly. 

"What?" Doyoung prods.

Taeyong shakes his head and clutches the notebook tighter. He's acting strange, Doyoung thinks. He softens. Taeyong looks so miserable, slumped over with dark circles under his eyes. "I'm just worried about you, hyung," Doyoung says. "You're going to run yourself to the ground. You're supposed to be our leader. We need you."

"Do _you_ need me?" Taeyong says, looking up at Doyoung.

Doyoung is so startled by this random question, he stares back at Taeyong, who suddenly looks really vulnerable under the harsh bathroom lighting. "Of course I need you, hyung. You know that," he says quietly and sincerely. Taeyong is always breaking his heart all the goddamned time without breaking a sweat.

And just as inexplicably, Taeyong picks up the notebook and thrusts it towards Doyoung wordlessly, who continues to stare at him dumbly. "What do you want me to do with it?" Doyoung asks stupidly.

"Read it when we get back home," Taeyong says. "I want you to read it, but not before we get back. We still have filming tomorrow."

"Why does that matter?" Doyoung asks, hand reaching out like it has a mind of its own for the notebook.

"You'll see," Taeyong says cryptically, wincing as he gets up. Doyoung reaches out to try to steady him, but Taeyong waves him away. Doyoung watches him limp out of the bathroom and then looks down at the notebook. The peach sticker grins up at him, its comically large eyes in upside down crescents, as if daring him to open the notebook. Now that he thinks about it, it kind of looks like Jaehyun when he's not letting Doyoung live.

He emerges out of the bathroom, flipping the light switch off as he goes. Taeyong has returned to his room by then, the hallway dark and empty. He heads back into the room he shares with Sicheng and Yuta and as quietly as he can, goes over to his back pack and slips the notebook into it.

\---

Taeyong acts like nothing happened last night, which it technically didn't, but Doyoung feels like something between them has shifted. Taeyong spends his time on the last day of filming almost avoiding Doyoung, but of course not in a way that is obvious to others, including the other members themselves. Doyoung thinks about the notebook in his back pack among the pile of everyone else's bags in the back of the van. He wants the filming to be over, many apologies to Yuta (it was actually a fantastic tour), but he wants to be back in Korea so he can read what's in the notebook. What could Taeyong have to say to Doyoung that he can't face to face? He's always thought they could be honest with each other, forged in years of shared hopes and disappointments, happiness and homesickness. But then again, Doyoung has his own secret, but he had also learned to live with it for so long, it's become a part of himself.

Finally, filming is completed and they fly back the same day. Normally, this kind of whirlwind scheduling makes Doyoung kind of mad, they are constantly being herded around like cattle, but today he appreciates the hurry. Not only do they have to go back to train for the next comeback and Doyoung needs all the heads up he can get, but his curiosity about the notebook grows with each passing moment that he looks across at Taeyong, at the distance between them.

\---

Doyoung collapses into bed, having exchanged pleasantries with the other members that had remained back in Korea. He tells Johnny that he bought a shit ton of Japanese snacks for them, but he'll have to go to Taeyong to get them if he wants to partake.

"He won it in a rigged game," Doyoung says. "Long story."

"Ah, okay," Johnny says. "Welcome back." He fist bumps Doyoung and drifts toward Taeyong and Taeil's room for the promised snacks, and for their company. 

Donghyuk is off somewhere, so Doyoung has some blessed time by himself as he takes the notebook out of the backpack that he's kept by the bed. He brushes his fingers across the cover and glares back at A-peach, which he learned from Donghyuk is the name of the Kakao character. Suddenly, now when he finally gets the chance to, he is hesitant to read what's in the notebook. 

He takes a deep breath and flips the notebook open in a burst of courage. He stares at the first page, each row full of Taeyong's hurried Hangul. He then focuses in on what it actually says.

 

walking down the flower path  
you look like you're always thinking  
are you thinking about me?  
maybe it's just my wishful thinking  
why do i feel this way  
i wish i could stop because you're my brother  
and my friend 

you understand me the most  
but sees the least  
don't you know how i feel about you  
but you can't see, or choose not to  
it's futile, looking at you  
who looks back at me like a friend  
i wish things were different 

why should i give up all the things i've gotten  
for you, but if you asked i would  
because i think you would do the same  
in this cruel world it's you and me baby  
we are monsters in a monster world 

 

It goes on, passages of what must be lyrics, page after page. Doyoung's head is spinning. He doesn't know what any of it means and some of the passages are so intense and short of incomprehensible, Doyoung doesn't know what to do with it. Nor does he understand why Taeyong would let him read such private thoughts.

He gets up and stomps to Taeyong's room, propelled by his need to know the meaning of all this. He needs answers. He has enough sense left to knock to let them know he's going to barge in and promptly does.

Taeyong and Taeil turn to stare at him from where they were situated in front of the computer, the Overwatch landscape on the screen. Doyoung struggles to find his voice.

"Can I talk to Taeyong hyung for a second?" He says.

Taeyong shares a look with Taeil before he gets up. "Don't kill me off with your shoddy gaming skills," he warns Taeil, who shoves at him with a grin before directing an empathetic smile Doyoung's way too. He knows something I don't, Doyoung thinks.

"What is the meaning of this?" Doyoung demands the moment Taeyong shuts the door softly behind him. "Why did you give me this to read?"

Taeyong stares at him for a moment before scoffing. "You're so smart but you can be so stupid sometimes. Think about it for a second. Why was it you who found the notebook in the first place?"

"I don't know, I just found it in my room that day," Doyoung answers, getting more and more agitated by Taeyong's inscrutable questions. "I swear I didn't steal it."

"I know you didn't!" Taeyong says, his voice rising from its characteristic softness. "I left it there!"

Doyoung stops short. "Y-you what? Are you trying to plant evidence on me?" He accuses. "Are you trying to get me kicked out of the dorms?" He flails his arms in outrage.

"Oh god," Taeyong exclaims in frustration. "Why do I even like you?" And before Doyoung could even react, Taeyong grabs a fistful of his shirt and pulls him close, and Doyoung's vision goes blurry with Taeyong's face before he feels soft, warm lips pressed against his. It's a very brief kiss, and the moment that Taeyong pulls away, Doyoung is already beginning to wonder if it really happened. But the look of uncertainty and the flash of fear that crosses Taeyong's face proves that it did.

"You kissed me," Doyoung says in wonder, not knowing what else to do or say. He touches his lips. It feels like his whole world just upended.

"I left the notebook in your room, but when I saw that it was gone and you never mentioned anything about it, I asked you where it was," Taeyong says, back to his soft voice, which sounds all the more brittle now. "And you! You," here he points accusingly at Doyoung. "You yelled at me, and I remember your exact words being 'how should I know where it is, you should be more careful with your stuff.'"

"I'm sure I didn't yell," Doyoung protests. "I'm not that disrespectful." He pauses. "Am I?"

"With me, you are," Taeyong sniffs, sounding aggrieved. 

Doyoung feels terrible. "Well, I'm sorry," he says sincerely. "Why did you leave it in my room anyway?"

"Because I thought you would read it and know how I feel about you," Taeyong explains in exasperation. "And for a while, I thought you had but decided to ignore what I was trying to say because you didn't feel the same way!"

Doyoung gasps, legitimately gasps. "Those passages were about me?"

It's then that Taeil throws the door open and announces, "For the record, I told him it was a bad idea and why can't he admit his feelings like a grown man, but did anyone listen to me? Noooooo." He slams the door in their faces.

Doyoung nods in the direction of the closed door. "Taeil hyung is right. You can't call me stupid anymore, because you're the most stupid."

" _You're_ the most stupid," Taeyong says half-heartedly, a grin appearing slowly and brilliantly across his face. Doyoung wants to kiss it.

"Children! I live with actual children," Doyoung can hear Taeil say through the door.

"Aish, he's starting to annoy me as much as you do," Taeyong says, grabbing Doyoung's wrist and dragging him into the unoccupied bathroom.

"Why do we always end up here?" Doyoung wonders. "Also, Yuta was right, you do have grandfather hands." Come face to face with Taeyong however, he falls silent. Taeyong looks the most solemn Doyoung has ever seen him before, not even at the year-end award shows where so much seems to be at stake. He reaches to grab Taeyong's hand, the need to provide comfort innate in him. Taeyong startles and looks down at their clasped hands. Doyoung can see Taeyong relax and he looks up at Doyoung with a helpless, crooked smile. Doyoung can't take it anymore. He closes in the distance between them and kisses Taeyong, letting his lips linger, but not doing much else. He doesn't know how to do much else if he's going to be completely honest. This is new, unfamiliar territory and this is Taeyong.

Taeyong scoffs when Doyoung pulls away, but his soft eyes betray the affection Doyoung can actually feel when he's being stared at like that, like something to be treasured. It makes Doyoung feel like he could take on the world, or at least the next day in their crazy lives. "You're a terrible kisser," Taeyong says.

Doyoung shoves at him. "Shut up. You're not the paragon of good kissing yourself."

"Well, we'll see about that," Taeyong says, diving in again.

\---

Doyoung clutches the notebook close to his chest as he runs the gamut of the airport terminal, passing by the herds of fangirls eager to catch a glimpse and photos of them. Taeyong has added new passages to the notebook, stealing it back every so often and returning it to Doyoung with a shit-eating grin that makes Doyoung want to tackle him and well...there's always an unoccupied bathroom somewhere wherever they go in this crazy life of theirs. 

**Author's Note:**

> trying to ease back into writing. thanks so much for reading and thank you to the person who provided the prompt! as one can tell, i do not actually know how to write lyrics many apologies.


End file.
